Helping the world talk more openly about sex.Through my research, writing, speaking and coaching, I challenge the cultural beliefs, social norms and habits around sex and relationships that get in the way of emotional and physical intimacy.I hold a Masters in Counseling Psychology from JFK University, and am a Somatica® sex and relationship coach and Conscious Sexual Self group guide. My ongoing studies include training with San Francisco Sex Information (SFSI), American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT), California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists (CAMFT), Society for Sex Therapy and Research (SSTAR) and International Society for the Study of Women's Sexual Health (ISSWSH).View the profile
About the talk
An engineer and former marketing manager at Apple and Facebook, Pam shows us what our intimate relationships can teach us about building and maintaining all types of relationships.
Wow, that is a big group of people. Welcome to why I started a blog about sex. Now you may be wondering what exactly is an ex-tech worker turned sex coach doing on stage at a real estate conference? So just a little show of hands raise your hand if you think that relationships are important to success in your job. All right, that seems like a good amount of you. So as it turns out when you start exploring your own sexuality and when you help others explore their sexuality, you learn a lot about relationships in the process. So I'm hopeful that as I share my story today of
why I started a blog about sex that the lessons I've learned will be valuable to you and both your personal and professional lives. I struggle with sexual desire. Yeah, that's a little bit bigger than I thought it was going to be. Little embarrassing but it's the truth. You see I've been with my husband for 20 years and no we didn't get married when we were five. And it those 20 years. His desire has always been higher than mine. Because his desire was higher than mine we had sex and it was good. But I had a tendency to reject his advances
more than I accepted them and I rarely initiated sex myself. So every 6 to 12 months. We would sit down and have the talk where he would tell me that he wanted more sex and I would feel bad that we weren't having more sex. So, you know, we weren't good problem solvers. We would sit down and brainstorm ways to fix this. We would do things like go on vacation. I would change my birth control. We would hire a regular babysitter so that we could get some alone time together. But none
of these things had a lasting impact. Nothing really helped us figure out what we could do. That would be long term. And my fantasies our relationship looks like this despite having been together for 20 years. We were as spontaneous with the da we met. I gave her feeling of things like this or I'm not really sure if the sound of the crashing waves with louder or the From Here to Eternity soundtrack. But in reality my everyday life look more like this. In fact, that's my actual husband my actual child
and my oh wait, you're realtors. That was my actual kitchen with updated stainless steel appliances and induction cooktop. You say I felt like a kiss for my husband was a request add sex to my already long to do with it felt like pressure and tie him understandably. He couldn't quite figure out why showing his affection would result in such a fluster response. Stop the next time that the talk came up and we run out of things to try. He suggested we see a sex and relationship coach and I agree. I'm not going to
sugarcoat it. Relationships are hard. I mean, I think we all have the idealized beat Spain and the more realistic kitchen scene for each of our relationship. I Can Be Cops to figure out exactly what is blocking us from getting more beach in our lives. And if that's the Southern Supply to a sex sexual relationship mean consider my child and that last photo I also have an idealized image of what our relationship looks like and it literally doesn't involve him tugging on my arm for attention and may not
giving it to him. So every started to work with our with our coach, I realize that although relationships are hard connection can be cultivated o can you go back one slide? Sorry. Terrified of there. Connection can be cultivated. It can be cultivated and the obvious ways like oh, you know better communication perspective-taking, but it can also be cultivated in some more surprising and deceptively simple ways. So this may seem like a little bit of a non sequitur.
But if you'll indulge me for a moment, I'd like to conduct an experiment experiment with all of the notes before lunch when you want to get up stand up. So I'd like to conduct an experiment and play. And a few moments I'm going to ask you all to stand up and I'm going to ask you to turn to someone next to you and play for 60 seconds. Now it just to clarify. This is good G rated portion of the talk and talking about like patty cake and things like this and I know some of you I love you. I know
some of you are going to get super excited about it, but there might be others that are like slowly slipping down in your chair right now. Hoping that this is all going to go away and you're saying Pam is going to be embarrassing. I don't know what to do. When are we doing this and see what I say? Like I get embarrassment. I know I just put up a fly that says I struggle with sexual desire. We're all going to feel a little bit silly doing this. So if it helps you at all and give you some ideas you can do something small and quiet like make faces at each other or have a thumb war remember
those or you can do something big and loud like seeing you can jump the highest you can yell the loudest it's not so important what you do just that you play So you ready to play a channel? Keep your clothes on. Vegas. So everyone can stand up I'm going to channel our inner child and do a little Hokey Pokey Shake Yourself all about and play. Justin Bieber walkie-talkie over there You don't know what to do to make some faces. That is really good. It's really helping out here.
Alright wrapping up getting that last little bit of play. That was funny, No. Yes, you guys when they all that time is up. Take a moment to collect yourself grab a beach ball. That was awesome. So now tell me just yell out a few words. How do you feel now? victory victory invigorating liberated So happy I love all of those words. Just perfect. In fact, if I had to summarize how I feel all of those feelings and mamasan play I would say that I feel alive and connected and wow, does it feel good to feel alive
and connected? In fact if I have the summarized with a new photo I'd say it looks something like this. Look familiar. Now you might be thinking. Okay Pam. That was an interesting experiment and those are interesting observations, but you still haven't told us why you started about blog about sex and how it's relevant there enough. Let me make that connection more explicitly. You say when we started going to our coach one of the first thing she told me was to get into my body.
I looked at her as if she was speaking a foreign language get into my body. What the hell is that supposed to mean? What's it like in my body? But I wasn't I was in my head. Being in my house is kind of the opposite of feeling alive and connected. Maybe you can relate we live in a world that tells us were valued by the things we produced. It's no wonder that we run around with a laser focus on our to-do list and our agendas. And on top of a societal messages that told me that thing in my head was a good place to be I also received messages that my
body wasn't for me. I grew up in a world that told me women shouldn't like sex and that I can just prioritize taking care of others. End up living a life. That looks like this. Where I prioritize being in my body playing and feeling alive would be scandalous. But with the help of my coach and very willing husband needed that Society does not get to decide what kind of beliefs and priorities I have. I get to decide. And I decided that I wanted to live in a world where I feel
alive and connected. And unlike all of the other things that my husband and I have tried previously over the years. Adopting this mindset has had a lasting impact on our marriage. Because it was so life-changing I decided to Vlog about it. Relationships are hard. What connection can be cultivated and the more we cultivate connection the Richer our relationships become so I'm not asking you to go play the silly game with all your clients. That's not what I'm suggesting. But I do want to challenge you to take a moment
and think about a recent interaction with a client or with a loved one. Did you start that interaction with your to-do list in mind? How might that relationship shift if the next interaction you have with that person? You start by taking a deep breath. Getting in your body and really connecting with that person in front of you. So wherever you are in your journey, whatever personal or professional relationship challenges, you may be facing. I invite you to see what surprises
might lie around the corner with a little less focus on your to-do list and a little bit more focused on connection. If you like the story and you want to hear more of my story so you can subscribe to my blog it down to their yes that's down to their. Calm and I'll also stay up here on stage for a little bit if you have any questions or want to come up and say hi. Thank you so much.
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