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F*ck The Spark And Other Ways To Not Die Alone | SXSW Online 2021

Logan Ury
Director of Relationship Science at Hinge
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SXSW 2021
March 16, 2021, Online, Austin, USA
SXSW 2021
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F*ck The Spark And Other Ways To Not Die Alone | SXSW Online 2021
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About speaker

Logan Ury
Director of Relationship Science at Hinge

I'm a behavioral scientist turned dating coach and the author of the new book, HOW TO NOT DIE ALONE (https://amzn.to/3lIOYh2). As the Director of Relationship Science at the dating app Hinge, I lead a research team dedicated to helping people find love. After studying psychology at Harvard, I ran Google’s behavioral science team—the Irrational Lab. I was a 2018 TED Resident and am a featured speaker at SXSW 2021

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About the talk

What’s holding you back from finding love? In this session, behavioral scientist turned dating coach, and Hinge's Director of Relationship Science, Logan Ury, will teach you how to recognize (and overcome!) your dating blindspots. You’ll discover why the spark is a myth, what really matters — and what really doesn’t — in a long-term partner, and why you think you know what you want, but you’re wrong. Logan blends data-backed research with practical exercises to help you find, build, and keep the relationship of your dreams.

About SXSW:

SXSW dedicates itself to helping creative people achieve their goals. Founded in 1987 in Austin, Texas, SXSW is best known for its conference and festivals that celebrate the convergence of the interactive, film, and music industries. An essential destination for global professionals, this year’s online event features sessions, showcases, screenings, exhibitions, professional development and a variety of networking opportunities. For more information, please visit sxsw.com.

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I want swipe left on my husband on Tinder, it was about 8 years ago and I saw this guy, I decided that the time I was single and I was struggling. Who should we go out with? How do we choose among all these people? How do we know if we're making the right decision? And my size is very common this cycle after cycle. Me identify what was going on for me to realize my patterns do this exercise, your partner, to make you feel. And I realize that I wanted my partner to make me feel

Accepted appreciated and secure interested. Message me. I work in college about seven or eight years before and we actually got married last summer. So this experience with the dating coach, it really opened my eyes I need help me. Understand. You're the one mistake a lot of mistakes. So while I was also working at Google, I was running a Behavioral Science team called the irrational lab and Behavioral Science is the study of how we make decisions. And so, how can I

combine my interest in Psychology and decision-making Theory with for the last few years to help people make better decisions. And what that's looks like is writing a book and I'm really excited to share some of the best. I love my work as a Matchmaker and now the director of relationship science it in today and tell you about 3, and then together, we're going to bust each of them happily ever after. Mixed number one, a few years ago, I had a singles dating party in San Francisco. This is a chance to meet each other

again, person, you would have swiped right on. I was fascinated by the responses because of my filters. This is that some men were like, I wouldn't have seen this woman because I filter out for some women said, I wouldn't have seen this guy because I filter for race and religion. A lot of people have these really strict filters, and the reason why is because we're often wrong about what will make us happy long-term. And you feel like I only need to find that six-foot-tall businessman, or that woman whose figures

a year consider that you might be wrong. So many people lined up with someone who is in fact I think it's going to work out because it means that they broke a bad habit. Here's what you can do about it. Change that you go out with. I want you to be more open-minded about who, you know, giving up on your type is not settling. I'm not saying that you should be with someone who's not interesting to you or some of that. I'm merely letting you know that many of the happiest couples are

two people. Change the spark, the spark? Okay, here's what's wrong, with the spark. First of all, people think that the Sparky can't grow over time, that's not true. The spark can. And often does grow his client named Jonathan, and he used to go on date after date with great guys. And then he has an idea of that initial pain and excitement. It's the fireworks. It's the lightning bolt. It's when the whole room stops and you can only focus on the person in front of you. Research shows that only 11% of people feel love at first sight

of the best relationships are from people who were friends. First, there's something called the mere exposure effect. It means that the more were exposed to something, the more we see it. The more we like, it end up dating somebody from work or somebody who lived on the hallway of their sophomore, dorm. Another problem is that people think if I feel thus far. Between the two of you and how they show up on the world, that was developing between the two of you. So even if you feel the spark, that doesn't necessarily mean that it's a

good thing, it might just be a reflection of who that person is. The other part of this is that it's really easy to confuse anxiety or chemistry quiz anxiety. And so, keep in mind that the spark is not always a good thing to say. Could I see people making is thinking that if you have the spark, the relationship is viable. Plenty of divorced couples started with a spark and so just because you had an amazing, how we met story, it doesn't mean that this is the person you should be with, don't let the right to lead you to the wrong relationship. Instead thought this far, and go

after the slow-burn don't spark on the first day and that's why you should make the second, you should make a rule. Always go on. The second date with somebody. Unless something dramatic means. Giving yourself a chance to be exposed to those people who take longer to open up. Those are the people the slow-burn is what they would make a great long-term partner their kind. Here's the third and final mess. I'm going to bust for you. The myth of the happily-ever-after. Congratulations

I call this the happily-ever-after fallacy, the mistaken belief, that the hard work of Love is finding someone that's just not true. Unfortunately. This idea come from, I think it has a lot to do with romantic comedies and Disney fairy tales in, which the entire movie is about the tribulations. They're finally together. And we expect them to live happily ever after. That's just not the case to invest in that. I had a client named Maya, she was the quintessential romanticize her,

that she wasn't willing to put effort into dating apps. For finding someone. She thought is something that happens to you, and so she would get dressed up for a flight. But she wouldn't approach them because she thought that was Time to somebody else and I had was called the soulmate mindset. The idea that person and that's just not true. And what I recommend to all of you is to shift to something called the work it out and then if it feels like work, you're doing it

right. He's researching what separates the relationship Masters couples who are successful and happy together from the relationship disasters. Couples break up or together miserably. Some of his research took place in the lab. This was an apartment in Seattle that was Decked Out. Verbal attempts to connect. And so they might turn to the person which means he looked at these couple of six years later was, at the couple's relationship Masters, because they turn towards each other 86% of the time.

And the couples who were the relationship disasters. They only turn towards each other 33% of the time. And what this shows you is that. So Great. Long-term relationship is Small Things office. It's about putting in that work. It's not the stick connect with your partner and turning towards their attempts to connect. And to the main idea here is that, if your relationship feels like work, that's a good thing. So, forget the happily-ever-after and focus on investing in your relationship. So inclusion, remember,

but the type, but the spark and happily ever after. I imagine a world in which people stopped the things that don't matter and start investing into their daily lives and their relationships to form the Partnerships of their dreams, strong relationships. And so, my goal for you is to adopt this philosophy of intentional. Love the idea if you're in the driver's seat of your life, and of your relationship be intentional along the way who you are, what you're looking for,

what type of people, you're choosing, and the type of relationship you want to be in. As I did the research for my book, I gave up the type, the people who went for the slow-burn, the people who found that diamond in the Rock, I wish for you today. Emily Ever After. If we were together lies and trust me, I wish we were rich. I would answer your question since we to research specifically done on the lgbtq + community research. Done on couples is done on straight couples.

We see is that many of the main idea and that's because it's universally true that you should be intentional about how you approach your life. It's universally true that it's better to be upfront and honest then to be unclear and find out things. You didn't want to discover later. It's universally true. That many of us are looking for a partner. Can a process and a relationship once we have it for my book specifically experiences and you'll see lots of different love stories reflected in my book

and outright reject. Someone right side as the number one thing is so bad. It makes you live in the city of ambiguity or you don't know where you stand. You should keep holding on for another person is just not interested at all. We found that 84% of people say, let me know, I'd rather know I'd be hurt to be ghosted and so from now on, I really hope that you stop go. See you start telling people that you're not interested and clear and it's helping someone understand where they stand with you. So, as soon as you know, you're not interested in someone, let them know. Don't

ghost. Which train should you feel comfortable taking off and Confused? Wants to raise the kids in that a pet peeve is something that the relationship. And so the first thing to do is to understand is this a deal-breaker? And you don't use a deal-breaker having similar personalities and having shared hobbies are important important than people think they are. And I know this because this is not what people tell me their priority, when they first of all, emotional stability, the ability to make

dating and relationships, really pay attention to the I am considering removing a friend when's the right time to do that. Answer for you and your girlfriend about the right time is called deciding on sliding. They just are on the relationship escalator and they go from one stage of relationships into these. In a couple's. You say things like, oh, my lease is up at your apartment. Should I just move in? And these are people who have intentional conversations at every step of the way and the research is clear

couples who are happier And that shouldn't should do is have an honest conversation about. Maybe it's just a way to explore. Is this the right relationship for me to make sure that your intentional about understanding? What is moving in together mean for you? Are you doing it for the right reasons? And are you on the same page about where you are now and where you're headed? So decide, thank you for asking it. Surprising part is I get a phone call from someone who says, I'm in this relationship. I don't know if it's the right relationship for me. Should I stay or should I go? First of all, a lot

of times in these people, I have to say a relationship on a broad level. There's something called a ditcher and something called a Hitcher, don't understand. If your long-term goal is to be in a long-term relationship, you have to eventually to someone commit to it and see how it goes. The other type of person is a Hitcher and these are the types of people who stay in relationships for too long. And so that's who I get a lot of phone calls from people who say, I've been

dating this guy for eight years, we started dating in high school, it felt really great. Then now I fear that I've outgrown the relationship often times. I asked hitchers this question that I call the Wardrobe test question and wondering if you should break out of a relay. Tell me your gut reaction to this question. If your partner were a piece of clothing in your closet, something that you own, what did you say? I've heard so many different responses. I've heard people say is a wool sweater keeps me warm but then I want to take it off because it's

what somebody was really feeling because it helps you get at that abstract. Feeling, what's going on for you? As opposed to just doing that procon less. There's also a onesie pajamas. They were a gift from a friend and what's going on? Service show pictures. I would say something like a job loss, mental health stuff that you can't have, you actually made the effort to try to make things better and depending on the bad or mediocre relationship is oftentimes the best way to get into a good wine. So if you're listening or are you going on that might can you

put more into the relationship? And would you be better off staying in investing or moving on to the next one and starting in you I hope this is helpful. When you know, you're ready to meet someone, how can you communicate without coming across? This is a question that I get all the time but I do think that that's a smart and steak I remember I was at a book dinner where I was just people different. I feel like you're interviewing me for the job of husband and what he meant by that was kind of sterile and felt like job interviews but he

does, he fit the role is to come across as self-aware and not needy. I've been dating for a while and I feel like I really know myself. I want to get married and have kids in the next few years. What's going on for you in your life lately? Typically you're saying, this is what I want and you're creating space for the other person to tell you what they want. Thank you very much for watching this talk now, wouldn't be a coaching session with me unless it ended with the homework assignment. So if you're single so you can work with a friend on

change it. And if you're in a relationship, what is one thing you can do today to invest more into your partnership?

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